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I need to hear a good new joke


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#1221 billharr

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Posted 05 December 2018 - 05:44 AM

wife texts her husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap the edges with a hammer"


Wife texts back 10 minutes later: 
"Computer really messed up now."

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#1222 cwdtmmrs

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Posted 08 December 2018 - 04:18 AM

The stages of a man's sex life:

 

1) Tri-weekly

2) Try weekly

3) Try weakly


Edited by cwdtmmrs, 08 December 2018 - 04:20 AM.

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CWDT

#1223 ski3pin

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Posted 30 January 2019 - 06:55 AM

What was the best thing before sliced bread?
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2003 Ford Ranger FX4 Level II 2013 ATC Bobcat SE "And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."- Abraham Lincoln  http://ski3pin.blogspot.com/


#1224 JaSAn

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Posted 30 January 2019 - 05:00 PM

And where did we go back to before the drawing board?


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#1225 ski3pin

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Posted 30 January 2019 - 05:20 PM

Excellent questions! :)


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2003 Ford Ranger FX4 Level II 2013 ATC Bobcat SE "And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."- Abraham Lincoln  http://ski3pin.blogspot.com/


#1226 ski3pin

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Posted 31 January 2019 - 04:22 PM

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to 
record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak. "My son, Bernie, I want you to 
take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and 
Tavernier."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the  offices over in the Marathon 
Government Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the 
bay side on Blackwater Sound."


The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his 
extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says:

"Mrs. Penderbody, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to 
have accumulated all this property.

The wife replies, "The old fart has a paper route"...

 

 


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2003 Ford Ranger FX4 Level II 2013 ATC Bobcat SE "And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."- Abraham Lincoln  http://ski3pin.blogspot.com/


#1227 Old Crow

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Posted 31 January 2019 - 05:35 PM

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to 
record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak. "My son, Bernie, I want you to 
take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and 
Tavernier."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the  offices over in the Marathon 
Government Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the 
bay side on Blackwater Sound."


The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his 
extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says:

"Mrs. Penderbody, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to 
have accumulated all this property.

The wife replies, "The old fart has a paper route"...

 

Hmmm...  Those are Florida Keys place names.  Ocean Reef Drive in Key Largo to Marathon Government Center is about 70 miles and an hour-and-a-half drive one-way (and that's if you don't have papers to deliver) according to my Google-ator.  And the bay side of Blackwater Sound isn't along the route. 

 

The old fart may not have been rich but he wasn't lazy!  :)

 

.


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#1228 ski3pin

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Posted 02 February 2019 - 08:31 PM

A father was driving his son to school when he inadvertently made an illegal turn at a traffic light. Realizing his mistake, he said: "Oops, I just made an illegal turn."

"It's okay, Dad," said his son. "The police car behind us did the same thing."


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2003 Ford Ranger FX4 Level II 2013 ATC Bobcat SE "And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."- Abraham Lincoln  http://ski3pin.blogspot.com/


#1229 ski3pin

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Posted 03 February 2019 - 03:53 PM

I have a hen who can count her own eggs. She's a mathemachicken.


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2003 Ford Ranger FX4 Level II 2013 ATC Bobcat SE "And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."- Abraham Lincoln  http://ski3pin.blogspot.com/


#1230 Wandering Sagebrush

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Posted 03 February 2019 - 04:33 PM

I knew a chemist who drove a Mercedes Benzene. He also believed in the Ether Bunny.
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I am haunted by waters





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