Jump to content


Photo
* * * * - 5 votes

I need to hear a good new joke


  • Please log in to reply
2219 replies to this topic

#1261 PackRat

PackRat

    Senior Member

  • Members
  • 680 posts
  • LocationNovato, CA

Posted 27 February 2019 - 06:32 PM

....and the quintessential lawyer joke....

 

Question: "what do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?"

 

Answer: "a good start"


  • 0

1988 Ford F-250 HD Lariat 4x4 8 Ft. bed

1976 Alaskan 8 Ft. CO camper


#1262 ski3pin

ski3pin

    Belay On

  • Site Team
  • 15,255 posts
  • LocationSierra Nevada Range

Posted 27 February 2019 - 08:31 PM

Time for lawyer jokes...

An old classic....................................

 

Three prominent business men are attending the funeral of the fourth member of their group. Standing together, looking down at their dear friend in his coffin, they bid their farewells. The first man, the town's banker, pulls a hundred dollar bill from his pocket and places it under his dead friend's hand. Tearing up, he says, "Here Bill, a little something so you can have some fun on the other side." The second man, the town's insurance broker, does the same, placing another hundred dollar bill in their deceased friend's coffin. He cannot say a word and leaves in tears, helped by the first gentleman. The third man, the town's lawyer, looks down on his departed friend and says, "I'm giving you a hundred bucks too, Bill. Have a great time on the other side." The lawyer writes a check for $300, places it in his buddy's cold hand, and takes the two hundred dollar bills for change.


  • 0

2003 Ford Ranger FX4 Level II 2013 ATC Bobcat SE "And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."- Abraham Lincoln  http://ski3pin.blogspot.com/


#1263 JaSAn

JaSAn

    Grumpy Old Man

  • Members
  • 1,098 posts
  • LocationMinnesota

Posted 27 February 2019 - 11:40 PM

"In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that

one useless man is a shame,

two is a law firm,

and three or more is a congress."

     - John Adams


  • 0
Sköldpaddan, a 1977 FWC Grandby
Renovating Skoldpaddan
2012 Ram 2500 4X4
1951 Dodge Power Wagon

#1264 PaulT

PaulT

    Need gumbo

  • Members
  • 2,604 posts
  • LocationHillsboro, Oregon

Posted 28 February 2019 - 01:02 AM

A lawyer passed and at his funeral, his friends & family paid their respects as they watched the coffin slowly lowered into the grave. One person commented as the coffin reached bottom, “You know, deep down, lawyers aren’t so bad.”

Paul
  • 0
I thought getting old would take longer.

#1265 ski3pin

ski3pin

    Belay On

  • Site Team
  • 15,255 posts
  • LocationSierra Nevada Range

Posted 03 March 2019 - 06:22 PM

On to cowboys.......................

 

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a haircut and a shave. He tells the barber that he can't get the whiskers off because of all the wrinkles in his weathered cheeks. The barbers gets a little wooden ball from a cup and tells the old cowboy to put it behind his cheek to spread out the skin. When finished, the cowboy is impressed with  the smoothest shave he has had in years. He offers up his thanks to the barber but also asked what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball. The barber answered, "Just bring in back in a couple days like everybody else."


  • 0

2003 Ford Ranger FX4 Level II 2013 ATC Bobcat SE "And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."- Abraham Lincoln  http://ski3pin.blogspot.com/


#1266 pvstoy

pvstoy

    Senior Member

  • Members
  • 2,760 posts
  • LocationCarson City, NV

Posted 03 March 2019 - 06:26 PM

Ewwww!!!!

Edited by pvstoy, 03 March 2019 - 06:28 PM.

  • 0

Patrick

2015 FWC Hawk Flatbed


#1267 buckland

buckland

    Senior Member

  • Members
  • 3,054 posts
  • LocationNew England

Posted 04 March 2019 - 02:44 PM

I PICKED UP A HITCH-HIKER. SEEMED LIKE A NICE GUY. AFTER A FEW
MILES, HE ASKED ME IF I WASN'T AFRAID HE MIGHT BE A SERIAL KILLER?
I TOLD HIM THE ODDS OF TWO SERIAL KILLERS BEING IN THE SAME CAR WAS EXTREMELY UNLIKELY.
I THINK HE WET HIS PANTS.
  • 0

2016 Duramax 2.8 Diesel long bed Colorado 4WD with 2011 Eagle

Lordwoodcraft  instagram        Rob
The only people who ever get anyplace interesting are the people who get lost.
Henry David Thoreau
"Work to achieve not to acquire"

 


#1268 Wandering Sagebrush

Wandering Sagebrush

    Free Range Human

  • Site Team
  • 10,535 posts
  • LocationNortheast Oregon

Posted 05 March 2019 - 04:03 AM

If Lawyers are disbarred & clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted & cowboys deranged?
  • 0

I am haunted by waters


#1269 ski3pin

ski3pin

    Belay On

  • Site Team
  • 15,255 posts
  • LocationSierra Nevada Range

Posted 08 March 2019 - 03:03 AM

Sign at an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,

You've come to the right place.

 


  • 0

2003 Ford Ranger FX4 Level II 2013 ATC Bobcat SE "And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."- Abraham Lincoln  http://ski3pin.blogspot.com/


#1270 DesertDave

DesertDave

    Senior Member

  • Members
  • 289 posts
  • LocationDayton NV

Posted 09 March 2019 - 01:10 AM

Puns For Educated Minds:

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.


3. She was only a whiskey maker, but I loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.


8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"


23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


26. And then, there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. "No pun in ten did."




Dijon vu - the same mustard as before...

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death...

A hangover is the wrath of grapes...

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?..

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired...

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)…

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off...

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion...

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed...

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds...

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered...

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it...

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat...

He had a photographic memory that was never developed...

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall...

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis...

Acupuncture is a jab well done...

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat...

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

 


  • 0

2014 Grandby FD on a 2007 F350





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users