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I need to hear a good new joke


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#1311 Wandering Sagebrush

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Posted 21 June 2019 - 12:58 AM

Frank, that’s pretty bland guacamole, but I like it as well.
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#1312 ski3pin

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Posted 25 July 2019 - 10:29 PM

The latest from the small Wisconsin town I am from -

 

George Phillips , an elderly man from Richland Center, Wisconsin, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

 

When George opened the back door to go turn off the light, he saw that there were two guys in the shed stealing things.

 

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No, but two guys are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay."  He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot  them both."  Then he hung up.

 

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

 

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

 

 


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#1313 Tuff Guy 62

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Posted 25 July 2019 - 11:59 PM

The perfect crime was committed last night when thieves broke into the police department and stole all the toilets.

 

The department spokesperson stated the "they have absolutely nothing to go on". :wacko:


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#1314 Casa Escarlata Robles Too

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Posted 26 July 2019 - 12:47 AM

The latest from the small Wisconsin town I am from -

 

George Phillips , an elderly man from Richland Center, Wisconsin, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

 

When George opened the back door to go turn off the light, he saw that there were two guys in the shed stealing things.

 

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No, but two guys are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay."  He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot  them both."  Then he hung up.

 

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

 

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Great way to get fast response.

Frank


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#1315 Casa Escarlata Robles Too

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Posted 26 July 2019 - 12:49 AM

The perfect crime was committed last night when thieves broke into the police department and stole all the toilets.

 

The department spokesperson stated the "they have absolutely nothing to go on". :wacko:

Good one.

Frank


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#1316 Casa Escarlata Robles Too

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Posted 28 July 2019 - 07:36 PM

Did you hear Julie Andrews will no longer endorse cheap lipstick?

It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.

She explained,

" The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis" 

 

Frank


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#1317 ntsqd

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Posted 29 July 2019 - 12:51 AM

^^^ groan! awesome! groan! awesome!


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Thom

Where does that road go?

#1318 Casa Escarlata Robles Too

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Posted 15 August 2019 - 07:19 PM

Ted this is for you.

Got a chuckle out of it.

Have a great day,my friend

Frank

 

IMG_3416.jpg


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#1319 Ted

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Posted 15 August 2019 - 09:02 PM

Hah! Thanks Frank. And no, my pen name is not Stephan Pastis.


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#1320 Tuff Guy 62

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Posted 05 September 2019 - 02:03 AM

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

 

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

 

The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

 

The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”


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2000 2WD Chevy Silverado 1500 5.3 liter V8

2019 Ram 2500 6.4 liter Hemi

2015 ATC Custom Panther Shell

When you come to a fork in the road, take it. Yogi Berra





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