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I need to hear a good new joke


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#1411 PaulT

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Posted 12 April 2020 - 03:17 PM

We’ve got to get you guys out camping again for the good of the country.  :D

 

Paul


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I thought getting old would take longer.

#1412 JaSAn

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Posted 12 April 2020 - 04:16 PM

cone.jpg


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#1413 Casa Escarlata Robles Too

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Posted 12 April 2020 - 07:39 PM

That should work.

Happy Easter/shelter in place.

Frank


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#1414 Vic Harder

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Posted 12 April 2020 - 09:03 PM

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

These are from a book called “Disorder in the Courts”!


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#1415 Casa Escarlata Robles Too

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Posted 15 April 2020 - 09:12 PM

This is an Easter card sent to me from my sister.

Thought we all need a little chuckle now in our times of "hiding"

Frank

IMG_4679.jpeg

 

IMG_4680.jpeg


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#1416 JaSAn

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Posted 16 April 2020 - 12:25 AM

Heard a Doctor on TV saying in this time of Wuhan Coronavirus, staying at home we should focus on inner peace.

To achieve this we should 1) always finish things we start and 2) we could all use more calm in our lives.

 

I looked through my house today to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, th mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a boks choclez.  Yu haf no idr hw feckin fablus I fel rit now.

 

Send this to all why ned inr piss.  An telum u luvum.  Stafe avrybobby!!!


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Sköldpaddan, a 1977 FWC Grandby
Renovating Skoldpaddan
2012 Ram 2500 4X4
1951 Dodge Power Wagon

#1417 Vic Harder

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Posted 16 April 2020 - 04:09 AM

Heard a Doctor on TV saying in this time of Wuhan Coronavirus, staying at home we should focus on inner peace.

To achieve this we should 1) always finish things we start and 2) we could all use more calm in our lives.

 

I looked through my house today to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, th mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a boks choclez.  Yu haf no idr hw feckin fablus I fel rit now.

 

Send this to all why ned inr piss.  An telum u luvum.  Stafe avrybobby!!!

LOL, lerv eet.


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#1418 Vic Harder

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Posted 17 April 2020 - 08:07 PM

I went to the liquor store on Friday afternoon on my bicycle, and bought a bottle of Scotch and put it into the bicycle basket.
 
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell of of the bicycle, the bottle would break.
 
So I drank all of the Scotch before I cycled home.
 
That turned out to have been a very good decision, because I fell off of my bicycle seven times on the way home.

Edited by Vic Harder, 17 April 2020 - 08:10 PM.

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#1419 pvstoy

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Posted 17 April 2020 - 10:29 PM

good one Vic..


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Patrick

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#1420 Wandering Sagebrush

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Posted 18 April 2020 - 01:12 AM

A little W C humor... yes

 

 

I had an acquaintance, long since passed that talked like Fields in normal conversation


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I am haunted by waters





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