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I need to hear a good new joke


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#11 ntsqd

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Posted 09 June 2012 - 12:25 AM

Rough coupla days to be a Blonde:

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!
Why WALMART???

WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

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Thom

Where does that road go?

#12 ski3pin

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Posted 11 June 2012 - 02:33 AM

Wow, the blondes are sure getting it.

Well, along the lines of it being appropriate to tell jokes about ourselves...............

What do you call a WTWer wearing a three piece suit?



The Defendant.
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#13 Ted

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Posted 11 June 2012 - 06:55 PM

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
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#14 ski3pin

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Posted 11 June 2012 - 07:23 PM

Ted, that is a variation on one of my favorites, thanks! Brought a smile to my face. My version has the addition of running warm water over it and banging it up against the side of the counter.
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#15 MarkBC

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Posted 11 June 2012 - 07:46 PM

Blatantly stolen from over "there":
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed...
........
..........
....What I want to know is what were the light( )bulbs changed into?

Wow! That's most-excellent...and at least occasionally relevant "over here". Posted Image

I think I'll print it out and tape it to my monitor -- as a reminder... Posted Image
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#16 Foy

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Posted 13 June 2012 - 01:02 PM

The 85 year-old patient is very hard of hearing, so his wife of 65 years accompanied him into the doctor's examination room. After some physical examination, the doctor says he'll need to collect some samples.

"Mr. Smith, we'll need a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample"

"What's that, sonny, what's so simple" replied the elderly gentleman?

"No, sir, I said I'll need a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample", replied the doctor.

"Oh yes, I always watched Hee-Haw and Junior Samples was my favorite, too"

At this point, with her husband clearly not understanding what the doctor wanted, the wife piped up, leaned over to her husband's ear, and said

"THE DOCTOR NEEDS A PAIR OF YOUR UNDERSHORTS"
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#17 ski3pin

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Posted 13 June 2012 - 02:14 PM

The 85 year-old patient is very hard of hearing, so his wife of 65 years accompanied him into the doctor's examination room. After some physical examination, the doctor says he'll need to collect some samples.

"Mr. Smith, we'll need a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample"

"What's that, sonny, what's so simple" replied the elderly gentleman?

"No, sir, I said I'll need a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample", replied the doctor.

"Oh yes, I always watched Hee-Haw and Junior Samples was my favorite, too"

At this point, with her husband clearly not understanding what the doctor wanted, the wife piped up, leaned over to her husband's ear, and said

"THE DOCTOR NEEDS A PAIR OF YOUR UNDERSHORTS"


Oh my................. :o

now the 85 year olds are getting it. :)
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#18 ski3pin

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Posted 20 July 2012 - 11:22 PM

This topic needs a bump for me. A couple more?
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#19 ski3pin

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Posted 27 July 2012 - 03:19 PM

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out seeing what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible, “he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, “Don’t worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again,
He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, Hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says. "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

I know any of you can do much better...............................
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#20 SunMan

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Posted 27 July 2012 - 04:47 PM

An old fave...

A man walked into a bar in Scotland, sat down and ordered a drink. Next to him was a leathery old Scotsman, well into the bottle in front of him.

The man asked the Scotsman if there was something the matter.

The Scot replied (in Groundskeeper Willy brogue); "Aye lad, indeed there is. You see this bar here? I built this bar with me own two hands, slowly crafting it in the time-honored way of my forebears. It took me 4 months, but do they call me MacGregor the bar-builder? Noooooo. "

"You see the dock that your ferry landed at the night before? I built that dock with me own bare hands, piling by piling, plank by plank. It took nigh a year, but do they call me MacGregor the dock-builder? Noooooo."

"And do you recall the livery stable you passed on the way into town? I stood that stable up in six months, with nary a bit o' help. To this day that stable is one of the finest in all of Scotland. But do they call me MacGregor that stable-builder? Nooooooo."

"Ahhh...But laddy...you f*ck one goat..."


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