Search results

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master. "So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?" "40," replies the dog. "What? How can there be 40?!" exclaims the farmer. "I...

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted...

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, climbed up on the couch and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed...

As health cuts continue, Dentists are warning that people may have to carry out their own procedures. Patients are being notified to brace themselves.

My sexy neighbor just called me “a bit of a looker”. Well, the term she used was actually “voyeur”, but it still counts

The great German actress Zelda had done everything but for one thing - she'd never won an Academy Award. She was known for being terribly temperamental and choosy about her parts, but was also known to soften for the promise of the elusive award. One day she was called by the great director...

And you only exchanged cell numbers when you were still in prison.

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall and thought to myself: That's a little condescending.

Search "Outwater plastics"

I didn't think it would be popular. Government subsidies are a different subject ( I assume you don't eat beef). My friend's area is SW Montana and mostly private land. The elk population in Yellowstone and surrounding area has been decimated as well. It is a complicated subject, but every time...

This may be unpopular, but I still don't think that we need wolves in the lower 48. My friend in Montana is a government trapper/shooter and he has had to kill over 1,000 wolves in the last 20 years. And those are just the proven livestock killers.It is a mess.

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night. "I realize...

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them". Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A...

A man broke into a house one night, his goal was to take as many small and valuable items as possible. While he was searching through the stuff he heard a small voice "Jesus is watching you." He stopped for a moment and said to himself "This must be a voice from my old Sunday school lessons." So...

Wow! Small world. I've been in the area since 68 and know those same spots. Nothing but groves and vineyards here then. The last egg ranch was about 20 years ago or so. All concrete and homes now. You are correct about the San Gabriel's boundary, (I should have known!), I though it was the...

Long drive with 9 people! The 15 wasn't there yet, was it? My brother lives in Alta Loma and I have a house in Rancho Cucamonga. I remember when Etiwanda, Cucamonga and Alta Loma were combined to form Rancho Cucamonga. The People who live North of Baseline still say they live in Alta Loma...

Where did you live at the time? How far was the trip to get there?

Another fatherhood story: A new father and his best friend Mike were left babysitting while their wives went shopping for the day. About 11:00 the friend says to the the father, "Hey Joe, I think its time to change the baby's diaper". "Not yet", Joe replies and continues with what he is doing...

One night a wife found her husband standing over their new- born baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism. Touched by this unusual display and...

If you shoot someone that has stolen your identity, are you committing suicide?

How about the snail that wanted to paint a big "S" on the hood of his sports car because he wanted people to point and say, "Look at that "S" car go.....

A guy sits down at a bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay pal?" the bartender asks. The man replies "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn't going to talk to me for a month." Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well maybe that's a good...

I married Mrs Right. She made me change my name to Kandu Nuphin Right.....