I need to hear a good new joke

An old fave...

A man walked into a bar in Scotland, sat down and ordered a drink. Next to him was a leathery old Scotsman, well into the bottle in front of him.

The man asked the Scotsman if there was something the matter.

The Scot replied (in Groundskeeper Willy brogue); "Aye lad, indeed there is. You see this bar here? I built this bar with me own two hands, slowly crafting it in the time-honored way of my forebears. It took me 4 months, but do they call me MacGregor the bar-builder? Noooooo. "

"You see the dock that your ferry landed at the night before? I built that dock with me own bare hands, piling by piling, plank by plank. It took nigh a year, but do they call me MacGregor the dock-builder? Noooooo."

"And do you recall the livery stable you passed on the way into town? I stood that stable up in six months, with nary a bit o' help. To this day that stable is one of the finest in all of Scotland. But do they call me MacGregor that stable-builder? Nooooooo."

"Ahhh...But laddy...you f*ck one goat..."



Those goats will get you into trouble every time. Good jokes.
Frank
 
Sunman, that reminds me of the three biggest lies told by cowboys - the truck is paid for, I won this belt buckle in the rodeo, and I was just helping that goat get over the fence.
 
Sunman, that reminds me of the three biggest lies told by cowboys - the truck is paid for, I won this belt buckle in the rodeo, and I was just helping that goat get over the fence.


.............and it reminds me of the old classic about the cowboy who went to the city and saw a big kid in a punk outfit, mohawk hair cut with the hair in long spikes, each dyed a different bright color. He approaches the guy and says, "I made love to a peacock once and I'm thinking you might be my son."
 
With all the animal jokes you better watch out for the PETA people.

PETA = People for the Eating of Tasty Animals
 
A fully duded-up Dallas oilman is on a dove shoot at a posh South Texas hunting ranch located next to a old rancher's hardscrabble spread. The Dude downs a dove which falls on the old rancher's side of the fence. When the rancher picks it up and starts walking towards his rusty old pickup, the Dude calls to him over the fence, telling him "Hey old fella, that's my bird you picked up there"

The old rancher replied "no, son, it's my bird--it fell onto my property".

A big fuss was put on by the Dude over who should take the downed bird, and the rancher offered a solution.

"Son, you're in my part of Texas, so why don't we settle this the way folks in South Texas normally do, with a butt-kicking contest? We'll take turns kicking each other's butt 3 times each until one of us says "Uncle", and the winner does as he pleases with the bird".

Sizing up the wiry, dried up old fellow, the Dude thinks to himself "Man, this is going to be easy. I'll wear this old boy out". So he readily accepted the challenge.

The rancher says "Down here in South Texas, the older of the two in a dispute always goes first in a butt-kicking contest, is that OK with you?"

Sure, says the Dude, and with that the old boy winds up and kicks the living tar out of the Dude. Dang, he says to himself, this old boy's got a mean kick to him. Biting his lip and trying his best not to show the excruciating pain he's feeling, the Dude says "Go on, old fella, is that all you got?" Two more crushing blows later, each more painful than the first, land upside the Dude's backside, and he's sure he's got at least a broken tailbone.

Eager for his shot at the old man who'd hurt him far more than he expected he could, he tells the old rancher "turn around, old man, you're going to get my best shots, and right now"

"Nah", says the old rancher, cracking a sly smile, "I give up. You can keep the damn bird"
 
PETA = People for the Eating of Tasty Animals



I love it Mark. There are some mighty tasty ones out there.Boy I am getting hungry.
Frank
biggrin.gif
I wish I could take credit for it, but I saw it on a guy's T-shirt couple years ago...
 
Due to the restrictions I'll just give you a punch line.

"well shove it into the camel and lets get out of here."
 
Due to the restrictions I'll just give you a punch line.

"well shove it into the camel and lets get out of here."


"mine too, mine too, must be the salt in the air!"
 
"mine too, mine too, must be the salt in the air!"

That reminds me of an old hunting joke and I too will keep it to the punchline. "If it were't for God and these three fingers I would have never been able to get them back inside" ;)
 
Would it be politically correct to laugh? Who cares. Nice to have those days past and gone. There is something to be said about growing older............................
 
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