I need to hear a good new joke

[Wandering Sagebrush]

I have a pencil that family lore says belonged to William Shakespeare. The problem is he chewed it a lot. I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.

 

[ski3pin]

That is the question?

 

[cwdtmmrs]

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, climbed up on the couch and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several days. Curious, I tied a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived with a different note on his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

 

[ski3pin]

Gold star for that one!

 

[Vic Harder]

 

[ski3pin]

Oh my goodness.

 

[Mighty Dodge Ram]

The last two are genuinely funny…and clean!

 

[Vic Harder]

 

[cwdtmmrs]

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, will you please answer the question."
"I'm sorry your Honor" the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

 

[Vic Harder]

What do you call birds that stick together?

Velcrows

 

[buckland]

yup

 

[ski3pin]

My wife said, "You haven't been listening to a word I've said." Why does she start so many conversations like this?

 

[Wandering Sagebrush]

I didn’t mention it, but I had surgery last week. The anesthesiologist was clowning around, and offered to knock me out with my choice of gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar decision.

 

[buckland]

Ah yes ole Boolean logic!

 

[ski3pin]

Ouch, ouch, ouch. Did I say ouch? I hope so. I said ouch. Ouch.

 

[Wandering Sagebrush]

Did you hear about the astronomers who got tired of watching the moon an entire 24 hours?

They just called it a day.

 

[buckland]

A man at a bar quietly drinking his beer looking somewhat dejected. The bartender sees him and and asked "what's wrong buddy"?
The guy just shakes his head and says "I don't know what's wrong with me"............ The bartender replies..... "I'm guessing, but I bet you aren't married".

 

[Casa Escarlata Robles Too]

Just couldn't pass this one up.Enjoy.
Frank

 

[Wandering Sagebrush]

It’s Friday, I picked my paycheck and the envelope was full of parsley...


My wages were garnished.

 

[ski3pin]

Occasionally I wake up cranky. Most times I let her sleep.