I need to hear a good new joke

Two welsh girls in a pub.


I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks.....



I noticed two very large women by the bar.



They both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies
from Scotland ?"



One of them turned to me and screamed, "It's WALES, you IDIOT!!"



So, I immediately apologized, and said, "Sorry,.... Are you two whales
from Scotland ?"





That's all I remember.....

Reported to me from Hot August Nights, a sign in the Atlantis in Reno

"Finish your beer - There are sober kids in India"

Will I Live to see 90?

I retired when I turned 65 and had to pick a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, “Do you think I'll live to be 90?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, drink liquor, beer or wine, and indulge in chocolate or coffee?” ”Oh no,” I replied. “I don't do any drugs, either!”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?” I said, “Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?” “No, I don't,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?” ”No,” I said.

He looked at me and asked... “Then, why do you even care?”

Good one Ski.Yeh have fun live life.
Frank

A story about a couple of relatives of mine.....................

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "It’s that me 'n the wife been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

"Daddy Daddy, I want to grow up and be a musician!"

"Sorry son, you can't have it both ways"

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Aqbar Allah! Praise Allah!" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man...that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"



Boy you can't beat a good Monica joke with a stick.
Frank

An old and blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender. Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. Im a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters. No, not if Im gonna have to explain it five times.

male bonding story with a fun twist. The usual disclaimers apply.

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Crap, Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am. You guys want a beer?"

The Lady's birthday is tomorrow. I have a milestone birthday coming up in a couple weeks. Bill, you made our evening. Thanks!

A seasonal one - Why Halloween is better than sex:

10. You’re guaranteed to get a little something in the sack.

9. The uglier you are, the easier it is to get some.

8. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

7. Less guilt the morning after.

6. It doesn’t matter if they fantasize you’re somebody else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now, you’ll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go again.

2. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood!

A seasonal one - Why Halloween is better than sex:

10. You’re guaranteed to get a little something in the sack.

9. The uglier you are, the easier it is to get some.

8. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

7. Less guilt the morning after.

6. It doesn’t matter if they fantasize you’re somebody else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now, you’ll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go again.

2. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood!

Ted, you're wicked!

I know where I want to go Halloween!

Let see if this will link.

The North Dakota Ghost Story

This happened last winter just outside of Douglas, a little town in the back country of North Dakota. It sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale.

This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a snow storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was snowing so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghost like in the snow. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine .

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again! Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.

Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Garrison. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, 'Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the snow.'

The North Dakota Ghost Story...

I actually LOL-ed at this one!