2233 replies to this topic

[craig333]

Two welsh girls in a pub.


I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks.....



I noticed two very large women by the bar.



They both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies
from Scotland ?"



One of them turned to me and screamed, "It's WALES, you IDIOT!!"



So, I immediately apologized, and said, "Sorry,.... Are you two whales
from Scotland ?"





That's all I remember.....

[ski3pin]

Reported to me from Hot August Nights, a sign in the Atlantis in Reno

"Finish your beer - There are sober kids in India"

[ski3pin]

Will I Live to see 90?

I retired when I turned 65 and had to pick a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, “Do you think I'll live to be 90?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, drink liquor, beer or wine, and indulge in chocolate or coffee?” ”Oh no,” I replied. “I don't do any drugs, either!”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?” I said, “Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?” “No, I don't,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?” ”No,” I said.

He looked at me and asked... “Then, why do you even care?”

[MarkBC]

[b]Will I Live to see 90?

I retired when I turned 65 and had to pick a new primary care doctor.....

[Casa Escarlata Robles Too]

Good one Ski.Yeh have fun live life.
Frank

[ski3pin]

A story about a couple of relatives of mine.....................

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "It’s that me 'n the wife been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[generubin]

"Daddy Daddy, I want to grow up and be a musician!"

"Sorry son, you can't have it both ways"

[billharr]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

[K6ON]

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Aqbar Allah! Praise Allah!" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man...that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

[Casa Escarlata Robles Too]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

Boy you can't beat a good Monica joke with a stick.
Frank